How to achieve financial har-money in your relationship

The reality is you were probably attracted to your financial opposite, and often the things that we find “intriguing” about our partners when we first meet are the very things that make us crazy down the road.

If this is you, first know that you’re not alone and second know that the cliché “misery loves company” isn’t one that I’m going to repeat now because as much as you love your partner I know that you don’t love the “company” of frustration that money disagreements can bring.

#1: Pay Yourself Before Paying Your Bills

No one likes to feel as if every dime that’s earned is already allocated to a bill (even if it is) so if you cannot allocate a part of your paycheck that is automatically deducted and deposited into your savings account, then at the very least adopt the “keep the change rule” of saving.

This means that you and your spouse commit to a community change holder that you dump all of your change in at the end of the day, make a plan to count the change (almost every grocery store has a CoinStar machine that will do it for you) and know what you’re going to do with the money at each milestone.

You could set a goal to apply fifty percent of it to your highest balance credit card and put the rest in savings, or use it to start an emergency in house cash fund, this really comes in handy when you’ve forgotten to go to the ATM. You can even earmark it as your hot date fund and use the money for movies, dinner out and other fun activities.

Ok, so the truth is you’re both adults (even though there are times it might not be so easy to tell) and you don’t want to feel like you have to ask for permission to spend. So I suggest that you each have an individual account as well as a joint account for common and household expenses.

But, if you choose to only work from a combined account the reality is your joint bank account could be put in a tailspin if one person makes an unannounced purchase, so to avoid this, adopt the “Don’t Ask…Don’t Tell” rule that will give you both the freedom and flexibility you need while keeping the bills from bouncing.

This amount you agree on should not be seen as an allowance or as money that’s used for regular expenses like gas or coffee, instead it should be an agreed upon amount for the “extras” that we all like to treat ourselves with from time to time.

#3: Give Each Other Veto Power

The blessing (though sometimes it may feel like a curse) of being in a relationship is the unity of it. When you are committed to seeing things as “ours” and “us” rather than “me” and “mine” it also means that you have to share in the decision making - regardless of who is the majority (or even sole) breadwinner. Determine an amount that both of you can agree on that will be discussed fully before making a decision to purchase, applying for additional credit or making afinancial move that can (and usually does) affect both of you.

This not only allows both of you to feel heard and understood but it avoids making purchases or transactions that could leave someone feeling hurt or betrayed when one partner ruins the spending plan with a unplanned purchase.

The bottom line is you’ll have to identify just the right formula for your successful financial partnership with your mate, but in the end it comes down to having a mixture of SEVEN key ingredients:

1. Respect for each other (this is the one ingredient that MUST be included and can’t be skimped on)

2. Mutual understanding (talk it out - preferably before there is a problem)

3. Agreed upon goals (short and long term)

4. Compromise (from both sides)

5. Organization (know the state of your financial union)

6. Hard work (the only way it’ll work is if you work at it)

7. Determination (there are no fillers or substitute ingredients for this)

Now just mix in a pinch of prayer, a touch of understanding a heaping of patience and a full portion of determination and you will create a version of financial har-money that tastes oh so sweet.

Be sure to keep refining the recipe through organization, hard work and setting joint goals for lasting results.